Twilight: the Updated version

Thursday, November 20. 2008. 11:59 p.m.

Nicole grabs my hand. We squeal in unison, wetting our pants with the realization that our most beloved novels ever are being presented before us pictorially. FINALLY. No more imagining what Forks looks like. No more fantasizing about how Edward's lips look the exact moment he wraps them around Bella's. No more trying vainly to hear how Edward's velvet voice sounds. This is one of the more memorable moments of my life. The moment when Twilight hits the big screen. The moment when Sara Fradella's eyes get to orgasm for 2 hours straight, uninterrupted.

The theatre goes dim. Color grows softer, fainter. Excited babble about the movie dies immediately. All faces turn to the stretching canvas at the front of the room, eyes wide. Hearts pounding. It must be midnight. November 21st. The day for which I've been waiting a lifetime, it seems.

Nicole and I drop hands. Mine recoils into my sweatshirt as I sink further into my chair, trying to quiet the beating of my own heart. I open and re-open my eyes incessantly, nervous to miss the first shot of the movie.

Bella's voice. Black screen.

Then, slowly, a forest emerges from the mucky darkness. It's beautiful and vivid and moist and green, everything I pictured it would be. And more. I glance at Nicole quickly, perhaps wanting to exchange a nod of approval? I'm not sure, but it doesn't come to fruition anyway. She's engrossed beyond cognitive function.

I turn hurriedly back to the screen, realizing I've just broken one of my cardinal Twilight movie rules by turning away from the unraveling wonder before me. A deer. How beautiful. Something rustling in the forest. Hunting the deer? Of course. I'm amazed by the cinematography. In fact, I lose about 5 minutes of actual absorption of the film. Busy gazing at the richness of it all.

Bella in the desert. How beautiful. Packing a cactus. Leaving Arizona. Renee! Phil! All these characters, they look so accurate!! My hearts starts pounding again. Maybe, just maybe.....this will be a fantastic adaptation of the book. Just maybe it will transcend the very hard-to-transcend boundary between movie-adapted-successfully-from-a-novel and successful-movie. Just maybe.

I continue watching. Bella driving with Charlie through Forks. Bella unpacking. Bella meeting Jacob and Billy. All so similar to what I thought it should be. Well done, Stephanie Meyer. Well done.

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...But oh, what is this? Eric Yorkie is....Asian? Hm, I didn't....know....he was....owell. I see Mike Newton, or is THAT supposed to be Eric?? Mike HAS to be better looking than that.....why is he calling Bella "Arizona?"

I can feel my eyebrows furrow in the dimly lit room. My heart stops beating for nervousness, and is replaced with confusion. Thump. Jessica should not be introduced like this. Thump. Angela Weber isn't nosy and catty, and she is certainly not a photographer with her nose up Bella's ass. Thump. The Cullens have too much make up on. Thump. WHY is Emmett ghetto? Thump. Is Jasper....constipated?

I giggle idiotically to myself in the midst of.....well, complete silence. Apparently, I'm the only one who's noticed the over-acting.

There he is. The sharp intake of breath in the theatre is lost on no one, myself included. Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward. Look how he walks! Look how he....uh...looks!!! Oh my goodness he's so dreamy! He's so pale and sexy and- did Rosalie just eat a carrot?

I stop preparing myself for mid-movie-masturbation and turn my attentions back to the rest of the film. Yes, she did. Vampires don't eat vegetables. They drink blood, and blood only! What. The. Fuck.

I sit up and readjust. Minor hiccup. Doesn't matter. A movie buff and Twilight fan like me can forgive that quite easily.

THEN, it starts.

Bella walks into the science room, the heater hits her hair and blows an almost visible cloud of scent-o-human at Edward. He tenses up and jerks around like someone's just forcibly inserted a gerbil into his anus. The face he makes....I let a laugh escape my lips. I let it escape my belly really, seeing as it was a true laugh. A Santa Claus, hold your stomach, pain in your side, tears in your eyes laugh. And I don't stop. Not even when Nicole (and a few others, I'm sure) turns to me to try and quiet me with her eyes. To no avail, my guffawing continues for the next 80 minutes, or, also known as, the end of the movie.

Robert set it off with that most admirable bit of acting EFFORT. I can't actually call it acting, because that would be lying. I can't call the Twilight movie a success either, since that would be lying, also. I can, however, call it one of the biggest disappointments I've ever encountered in the realm of theatre. How tragic. And to think, I almost peed myself when this movie began.

The movie ends. Black screen. Some sort of music. Seats squeaking. Empty popcorn bags ruffling. NO talking. None. Everyone is lost in thought. In my case, mourning. The death of my favorite book series' film debut.