Glee

It's the first tv show in.....oh, ten years? That I've hungrily grabbed the remote control for. It's awkward. It's emotional. It's romantic. It's dramatic. It's hilarious. It's musical. It's "Glee", and I'm in love.

The first season finale just ended like 10 minutes ago, and I swear I'm floating on a hit show success cloud. I'm so excited that Will and Emily kissed. My God. I feel like a need a cigarette or something. Like I just had really good sex. Is that inappropriate? Yeah, I thought so too. Ahh, well. It's my blog. I can cry about not getting to bone Mr. Shuester if I want to. And cry, I will. He is dreamy.

And Finn is all flushed and adorable and tall and sexy, and Puck is beautiful too. I just.....man. That's why I had to showcase the picture above. I mean, seriously? If we even HAD a glee club back when I was in highschool.....and if my teacher/classmates looked ANYTHING like these fucking sexy ass men, well.......I would have been the first to sign up. The music in the show is actually really good, too. I mean, they choose alot of really "popular" songs.....ya know, the Rhianna crap and so on.....but they always put their own spin on it and kind of Broadway it up. I really like what they do with the songs they tweak.

I don't even know what to type about. I'm probably just typing continually because I'm avoiding studying. it's amazing how, every time I've ever posted a new piece of my blog, I've been avoiding work. It's pretty much the only time I ever come on here. That's kinda bad.

And the worst part is that the classes I'm avoiding right now are the ones I was vowing my undying loyalty to just inches down this very page. Blugh. I hate school. I'm ready to graduate.

Anyways, YES! GLEE WAS AMAZING!

Finals

They're a-comin'. And this is the last time I'll ever take Fall semester finals!!! Holy crap. This is the last time I'll ever take Fall semester finals....... whoa. This is the last time I'll ever take Fall semester finals? It sounds different and scarier every time I say it. Ahh, well. Bring it on. I just need to pass. I don't have the most wonderful track record with GPAs. I mean, mine has always been well above average, but Lynne told us that if we're not riding on a 3.8 or higher, we might as well not bother mentioning it to any potential bosses. Ha. And I thought my 3.6 was good.

Hm, what to blog about. I mean, I COULD be doing insurmountable amounts of research for that RNR extra credit essay (that I desperately need to take advantage of), or making one of those three websites that's due.......OR finishing my children's book.....OR developing my pictures.....OR printing my magazine. Or, well, you get the picture. I just have SO man projects. SO MANY. I can't even see straight. And I'm even struggling to try and do some Freelance work on top of work and school. I just don't think I"m necessarily capable of all of this. Well, I guess I could do it if I had more time.

I need to lose weight. All day, I'm either eating or I'm thinking about eating. Or wanting to eat. Or regretting eating, because I can never do it in moderation. Shit. I should go to Barnes and Noble and work on some stuff. I'd probably be a lot more productive if I didn't have the option of sprawling out all over the bed in my bra and half watching tv.

ALSO, can I just SAY that this stupid rebel flag thing is driving me CRAZY? I CANNOT stop fighting about this crap.

My Roommates

Are bitches.

Where do you go when you....have nowhere to go?

Literally, my jaw is hanging to the floor. I'm simply struck stupid by my current state of mind. I am doing HORRIBLY in school. AWFUL. I'm getting grades I've never even come close to getting in my ENTIRE LIFE. Grades so awful I can't even bring myself to write them here on my blog. I haven't eaten in 24 hours. An entire 24 hours, and I'm not even hungry. My stomach is so in knots about my school situation that I don't think I'll ever desire to eat again. It's like I've gone into some sort of paralysis. I'm even wondering why I'm allowing myself time to blog instead of hitting the books again.

it's just that.......I CANNOT, and I need to stress that I am INCAPABLE of trying any harder this semester with school and work. I have nothing left of my physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological being to give. To anything. I am stretching myself so thin that I've become invisible to passers by and even people close to me. So what am I supposed to do? HOW am I supposed to make these grades better when I CANNOT try any harder than I am right now!? Where do I turn!?

I've never experienced this before, maybe because everything I've ever tried remotely hard at, I've succeeded at. This is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that my very absolute best........just isn't good enough.

I never thought I'd run into any situation that I couldn't pull myself through. I might have found it this semester.

It's just frightening, when you realize you've hit the proverbial wall. Because that's when your true character shows, and I guess I'm just scared shitless that my true character won't quite be everything I'd imagined. What if I'm not as brave as I'd always assumed I was? What if I'm not as smart? What if I pour my soul into this schooling.....and fail?

My neck is a delicate thing, and it's sitting out there for the entire world to see. And I feel naked and ashamed.

And I feel tired.

And I feel sore.

And I feel nervous.

And I feel hopeless.

But.....I feel.....hopeful?

I feel excited to prove myself.

I feel determined.

I feel my teeth gnashing together.

This will be a true test. A TRUE challenge. My first of many, I'm sure.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

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I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

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I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

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I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

Interviewing

I'm about to go to some interview/testing/ops thing the Reveille, which is LSU's Daily Newspaper. They've been flooding me with emails, telling me that they haven't had a good cartoonist in years and that they're beyond stoked to see some of my work.

Hm. Cartoonist. Cartoonist for the newspaper? Why, that equates to political cartoonage. Something I'm not sure I feel comfortable with. I just feel like it'll be so easy to offend someone if I decide to do the political cartooning.

But, hey, it's a job. And I need money. And Walt Disney began his life as an artist being a political cartoonist for his local newspaper. So I keep telling myself that every time I feel like I'm not quite equipped for the job. I mean, I can draw. I know I can do a black and white pencil and ink sketch and have it ready to print quickly.....I'm just lacking in the ideas department.

Or wait, maybe it's not even that. I'm sure I'd have ideas, I'm just petrified of pissing someone off.

I really need to get over this "I can't have one person anywhere on the planet dislike me" thing. It's impossible to please everyone, and the sooner I actually learn that and apply it to my life, well, that's when you'll start seeing my political cartoons in the newspaper.

Rejection

I can feel my eyes tingling. My heart is beating kind of fast, and my palms are sticky and gross with sweat.

I just submitted a design on shirtfight.com that I've been working on for, oh.....12 hours? I think that's how much time I spent on it, give or take 2 hours.

I was (sort of) proud of it when I submitted it 20 minutes ago, and now, five minutes after my first comment, I feel like I could cry.

This guy told me it was hard to tell what was going on and that it looked rushed.... :(

....How am I ever going to admit that I actually spent aLOT of time on that freaking design? I don't think I can. I'm so embarassed. I don't even feel like an artist anymore. In my classroom at LSU, we tweak things and play with things and go back and forth and tinker with shit for WEEKS before we have to turn in a final project. And THEN, when the only approval we need is that of our classmates (friends) and teachers (overly nice).....well, I feel like a designer in the classrooms at LSU.

I feel like an artist. Like I have some sort of talent. And I think it's because I get encouragement.

There is none of that on the internet. Everything is so scrutinized and dispensable that hardly anyone gets the recognition they deserve.

Not that I'm saying I think I deserve more praise than I already don't get, because I don't think I've even come close to deserving or earning it.

But I just......feel so stupid for ever bothering with these contests. And I know these are my slightly hurt feelings talking. Sigh.....I should stop wasting time on them. I wasted all of today making that design, and within five minutes, it's over.

The guy who commented on my design is like a big wig on that site. People will agree with him just because of who he is, and therefore my design is damned to the lonely pits of mediocre art hell.

I feel sick. Like I might vomit.

The Artdella blog

So I think I'm going to start another blog called "Artdella." I need to have some sort of almost portfolio of my work up on the internet, because, well, everyone else seems to have at least one. If I actually (miraculously) ever win one of these tshirt contests, I mean......someone (or everyone) is going to be like "wtf who is this girl we need to see a portfolio NOW NOW SNAP SNAP."

Because that's how it is on the internet. Everyone needs proof that you're who you say you are, and they need it quick.

There's this website called teefury that I've been wanting to sell a shirt on, but it's not like a vote thing....you have to send an email with a file of your design to this intimidatingly great designer named Jimiyo, and they decide the fate of your shirt. They look through your blog and your designs and they decide if your shirt is appropriate for their site or not. And once you have a shirt up on there......phew. That's major kudos. More people will be visiting your page than you thought possible.

I feel like I'm learning alot through this tshirt thing I'm trying. I mean, I'm learning how to handle rejection......I've been rejected, what, 20+ times already? Mostly I just wanna give up, but owell. There is something bad that I do, though. I'll design something, and in my head I'm like "Oh, this is good. This just might get me somewhere." And then I get like no votes and not even any comments...... THAT has happened like 5 times thus far.

I'm getting a tougher skin, though. Thank goodness. It's actually helping me cope with my color photography class's horrendously brutal crits. I swear, those fuckers are out for blood.

Ahh well, I'm gonna go back home to Chalmette and.....keep designing. Later. :)