Where do you go when you....have nowhere to go?

Literally, my jaw is hanging to the floor. I'm simply struck stupid by my current state of mind. I am doing HORRIBLY in school. AWFUL. I'm getting grades I've never even come close to getting in my ENTIRE LIFE. Grades so awful I can't even bring myself to write them here on my blog. I haven't eaten in 24 hours. An entire 24 hours, and I'm not even hungry. My stomach is so in knots about my school situation that I don't think I'll ever desire to eat again. It's like I've gone into some sort of paralysis. I'm even wondering why I'm allowing myself time to blog instead of hitting the books again.

it's just that.......I CANNOT, and I need to stress that I am INCAPABLE of trying any harder this semester with school and work. I have nothing left of my physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological being to give. To anything. I am stretching myself so thin that I've become invisible to passers by and even people close to me. So what am I supposed to do? HOW am I supposed to make these grades better when I CANNOT try any harder than I am right now!? Where do I turn!?

I've never experienced this before, maybe because everything I've ever tried remotely hard at, I've succeeded at. This is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that my very absolute best........just isn't good enough.

I never thought I'd run into any situation that I couldn't pull myself through. I might have found it this semester.

It's just frightening, when you realize you've hit the proverbial wall. Because that's when your true character shows, and I guess I'm just scared shitless that my true character won't quite be everything I'd imagined. What if I'm not as brave as I'd always assumed I was? What if I'm not as smart? What if I pour my soul into this schooling.....and fail?

My neck is a delicate thing, and it's sitting out there for the entire world to see. And I feel naked and ashamed.

And I feel tired.

And I feel sore.

And I feel nervous.

And I feel hopeless.

But.....I feel.....hopeful?

I feel excited to prove myself.

I feel determined.

I feel my teeth gnashing together.

This will be a true test. A TRUE challenge. My first of many, I'm sure.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.